A Modest Proposal for Aviation Security: Roll Up Sleeping Passengers in Saran Wrap
Globophobe has just taken a quick trip between New York and Washington, DC. We purchased a combined air ticket and two-night hotel package through Travelocity using a Hong Kong credit card and then departed the next day. On arrival at New York’s LaGuardia airport, we checked in at a counter and received our boarding pass. Immediately, we noticed the dreaded mark of suspicion – the “SSSS” – on our pass indicating that the airline had selected us for “secondary inspection” which entails a pat down and additional screening of carry-on bags and other items such as coats, wallets and shoes.
How do you get chosen for this special treatment? The agent at the check-in desk ventured that it was because we had bought our ticket the day before. True, but we did so through Travelocity using an account we have had with that service for years. We used a legitimate credit card and put in our airline frequent flyer number during the purchase. We did not buy a one-way flight.
So we went through the security checkpoint, putting everything that was in our pockets into our carry-on bag, including our wallet. We also took off our shoes and sent them through the x-ray machine along with our trusty laptop. No alarms. “Secondary screening, no alarm!” shouted the security officer. We were then picked off the line and taken for the pat down by a male agent. Does the fact that no alarm went off make a difference? The inspector said that if the passenger doesn’t set off an alarm then the frisking is less intrusive. What a relief – this guy would be feeling us up with a light touch!
Now, having passed the security check without problem on the way down to DC, we were confident that we wouldn’t be selected again on the return. That was wishful thinking. At Reagan National, our boarding pass again had the SSSS. This time, there was no distinction between somebody who sets off the alarm and one who does not. The pat down was quite thorough – and frankly, humiliating. At one point, the humorless agent felt our hip bones and asked what that was. “Me!” Globophobe replied with a slight sneer. We have learned to hold our sarcastic tongue when under Transportation Security Administration inspection. Upset just one touchy martinet and you could be whisked to Guantanamo! (Okay, that’s an exaggeration but our point is that the climate of intimidation and fear in the US is certainly a lot more intense since 9-11.)
So what does this experience tell us about airline security in the US? The screening procedure is certainly imperfect. The “random” selection seems to be based on the wrong criteria. On a flight from New York to Washington, why single out people who bought their tickets the day before flying? That might make sense for a long-haul route. Should somebody who has bought tickets online for years with the same credit card, leaving a paper trail a mile long, need to be frisked? Should we bother to screen somebody returning home who passed secondary inspection on his outbound flight?
We should abandon the “random” and instead do what the Israelis do and use our intelligence and simple logic to pick out the people who are more likely to be a potential danger. Now, you might ask, is Globophobe for racial profiling? Well, to be honest, if that’s what it takes, then so be it. How many white grannies are suicide bombers? Should we have special screening for Muslims? I would say not but an Islamic name – like it or not – has to raise at least the need for a critical assessment of the person’s appearance and demeanor, as well as other details such as how the passenger purchased his ticket, where he is going, where he has been, and where he lives.
But here’s Globophobe's politically correct solution (formulated with the help of one of our colleagues in Singapore): Get rid of all the seats on planes and instead have shelves with niches. At check-in, passengers would give up all luggage which would be placed in secure boxes and then loaded in the hold. Passengers would then lie on a table and be given a tranquilizer, putting them instantly to sleep. Then each passenger would be rolled up in saran wrap like mummies and conveyed by special multi-layered gurneys on to planes and slotted into the niches. During the flight, attendants would ensure that passengers remain unconscious. On arrival, each person is revived, unwrapped and allowed to retrieve their bags.
Sound fanciful? Think about the benefits. Everybody would get at least a good nap. Long-haul flyers would be well rested on arrival. And after the initial cost of reconfiguring airports and airplanes to accommodate this new way of flying, the cost of air travel would be very low – no meals, no drinks, no class segregation (although some passengers may opt for more expensive bubble wrap for extra comfort), no fuss. Just loads of saran-wrapped sleeping passengers who would be no threat to anybody. We would need fewer flights because all planes would be able to carry many more bodies than they do now. And we would all be safe, secure and able to sleep at night.
How do you get chosen for this special treatment? The agent at the check-in desk ventured that it was because we had bought our ticket the day before. True, but we did so through Travelocity using an account we have had with that service for years. We used a legitimate credit card and put in our airline frequent flyer number during the purchase. We did not buy a one-way flight.
So we went through the security checkpoint, putting everything that was in our pockets into our carry-on bag, including our wallet. We also took off our shoes and sent them through the x-ray machine along with our trusty laptop. No alarms. “Secondary screening, no alarm!” shouted the security officer. We were then picked off the line and taken for the pat down by a male agent. Does the fact that no alarm went off make a difference? The inspector said that if the passenger doesn’t set off an alarm then the frisking is less intrusive. What a relief – this guy would be feeling us up with a light touch!
Now, having passed the security check without problem on the way down to DC, we were confident that we wouldn’t be selected again on the return. That was wishful thinking. At Reagan National, our boarding pass again had the SSSS. This time, there was no distinction between somebody who sets off the alarm and one who does not. The pat down was quite thorough – and frankly, humiliating. At one point, the humorless agent felt our hip bones and asked what that was. “Me!” Globophobe replied with a slight sneer. We have learned to hold our sarcastic tongue when under Transportation Security Administration inspection. Upset just one touchy martinet and you could be whisked to Guantanamo! (Okay, that’s an exaggeration but our point is that the climate of intimidation and fear in the US is certainly a lot more intense since 9-11.)
So what does this experience tell us about airline security in the US? The screening procedure is certainly imperfect. The “random” selection seems to be based on the wrong criteria. On a flight from New York to Washington, why single out people who bought their tickets the day before flying? That might make sense for a long-haul route. Should somebody who has bought tickets online for years with the same credit card, leaving a paper trail a mile long, need to be frisked? Should we bother to screen somebody returning home who passed secondary inspection on his outbound flight?
We should abandon the “random” and instead do what the Israelis do and use our intelligence and simple logic to pick out the people who are more likely to be a potential danger. Now, you might ask, is Globophobe for racial profiling? Well, to be honest, if that’s what it takes, then so be it. How many white grannies are suicide bombers? Should we have special screening for Muslims? I would say not but an Islamic name – like it or not – has to raise at least the need for a critical assessment of the person’s appearance and demeanor, as well as other details such as how the passenger purchased his ticket, where he is going, where he has been, and where he lives.
But here’s Globophobe's politically correct solution (formulated with the help of one of our colleagues in Singapore): Get rid of all the seats on planes and instead have shelves with niches. At check-in, passengers would give up all luggage which would be placed in secure boxes and then loaded in the hold. Passengers would then lie on a table and be given a tranquilizer, putting them instantly to sleep. Then each passenger would be rolled up in saran wrap like mummies and conveyed by special multi-layered gurneys on to planes and slotted into the niches. During the flight, attendants would ensure that passengers remain unconscious. On arrival, each person is revived, unwrapped and allowed to retrieve their bags.
Sound fanciful? Think about the benefits. Everybody would get at least a good nap. Long-haul flyers would be well rested on arrival. And after the initial cost of reconfiguring airports and airplanes to accommodate this new way of flying, the cost of air travel would be very low – no meals, no drinks, no class segregation (although some passengers may opt for more expensive bubble wrap for extra comfort), no fuss. Just loads of saran-wrapped sleeping passengers who would be no threat to anybody. We would need fewer flights because all planes would be able to carry many more bodies than they do now. And we would all be safe, secure and able to sleep at night.
posted by globophobe at 4.3.07
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